Summertime Birthday

This August my mom turned the big 6-oh. We had decided early this year to celebrate with a girl's weekend and after mulling over a few options, decided on San Diego. Who doesn't like San Diego?! The water, the awesome weather, the fun atmosphere... We had dinner with the fam the night before we left and then celebrated on her big day at Benihana's. The next day we spent with my aunt (who lives out there) and an old family friend, Janelle. We hung out at Seaport Village and they took us out to an awesome seafood deli/restaurant. Our last day we visited Point Loma lighthouse and then took a bay cruise. Afterwards, we spent some time at La Jolla beach and then ate at the best Japanese hole-in-the-way diner. It went by way too fast, but we had a great time with each other. Love my beautiful mom!!

Heading out on the town...

Yumm...Benihana!!

Seaport Village with Janelle

Soaking in the rays with Aunt Nancy

Point Loma Lighthouse

Isn't this a cool painting on a sailboat?...clever!

View of downtown San Diego

Relaxing at La Jolla beach

60 years young!!

Summertime Camping

What does any common-sense Arizonan do in the middle of the summer? Answer: Get out of dodge!! One of the best places to escape in the thick of the heat is northern Arizona. One of our favorite places to camp is on the Mogollon Rim. We spent a short weekend up there in July and even enjoyed some afternoon showers.

Here's one of the funniest stories I will ever be able to tell about Jason:
He decides the morning that we're leaving that he needs to answer the call of nature and takes a roll of toilet paper with him. He doesn't come back for a looong time. I see him approaching and notice he's got something on his hands. I ask him what took so long and he answered "Well, that was a colossal disaster!" My imagination starts to soar... He had apparently grabbed hold of a tree for 'balance' and didn't realize it was covered in sap!! It gets all over his hands, the toilet paper and his butt!! He actually had a rash for a few days because of the sap. Poor guy... The first couple of times I told this story I was crying because it was so funny in my memory. Ahhh, my husband keeps the humor alive in our life :)

Mastering the art of hot-dog roasting

A storm building during our morning hike

Eying the valley down below

Summertime & Friends

I'm not even going to make excuses...the blog is just not my thing anymore. I'll try and bring us up to speed. Life gets so busy!!!

So this summer was actually busy for us, which was new. Usually it's more low-key as we try and stay indoors to escape melting. Jason traveled to Nashville in June for a very close friend's wedding. All the 'guys' went and they had an awesome time together. In July, I spent a weekend with girlfriends relaxing at a local resort. This was our second annual 'girls weekend.' Thankfully, Phoenix resorts have awesome deals in the summer because -let's face it - who's going to come and vacation in the desert in the middle of the summer?!

Evening out at a hotel that provided a free flamenco show
Becca, Lenka & Erin

Becca & Erin devouring...I mean, enjoying...the lemon souffle waffles

Only so much sun can be taken in the middle of July

Reliving their glory days...

The happy couple - Ben & Kristin

Someone's having a little too much fun

Ben & the gang in Nashville

Just for the record, Jason is not short. Ben is just really tall :)

The Story Continues

Another month has come and gone and I need to finish my story! Ok, so I was describing the stages of denial and anxiety. And then came sadness...

I mean real, gut-wrenching, deep, panicky sorrow that is only felt in the confines of solitude and openness. It has been scary to feel this sad. It creates a cloud around your mind where thoughts and reality become twisted and the vortex of this sadness pulls you further down and away from hope. I think the sadness started when we had been trying for a year. Late in the summer it became agonizing for me to see other pregnant women, hear of friends' pregnancies or even walk past the baby aisle in the store. These feelings and responses seem petty and pathetic for someone who has never experienced infertility. But it's very real. I can remember getting calls from good friends who announced their baby news...I would hang up and start crying. Not that I ever felt true envy. It was just one...more...reminder that I could not have what seemed to come so easy for them. The reminders became more painful and frequent. I began keeping to myself and having to force myself to ask people about their babies and pregnancies. I cared about their experience, but knew that after every conversation I would have to restitch the open wound again.

Anger began seeping in... At first, I became angry with Jason. Why wasn't he experiencing the same sorrow? He never seemed to be bothered by it. He would hold my hand while I cried but never expressed any emotion himself. I began to see myself as alone in the saga of infertility. He described his emotion as more frustration in not being able to conceive, but his way of dealing with the loss was exceptionally different from my own. I had to come to a point where I let go of the expectation that our grief and experience was the same. And then one lonely night in December arrived. Jason was working and I hit rock bottom. I can't put into words the sobs and groans that came from my body that night...I was so angry and felt abandoned by God. I am thankful that God understands and has unending mercy, despite my faithlessness. I am grateful that His spirit 'prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.' (Rom. 8:26) It felt like I had cried for hours. Not knowing what to do or where to turn, I opened my laptop and typed in "spiritual perspective on infertility.' Two things popped up first. One - an article written by a minister concerning the view of infertility from the angle of "Mystery vs. Mastery." This article provided me with some awesome insights into our culture demanding mastery over problems and turning to science for these answers. Two - a book on infertility written by a Christian couple. I browsed through the table of contents on-line and ordered it that night.

Never have I felt such true understanding and sympathy than from this book. The writers interviewed several infertile couples and had woven their stories and quotes throughout. It suddenly dawned on me that I had no one to relate to...no one in my life was infertile. I couldn't turn to a girlfriend for understanding. But chapter by chapter I became more at peace. One of the greatest truths I received through these two materials was the knowledge that I will never have answers. And I have to be ok with that. God does not owe me an explanation for my barrenness.

The book I read included this passage:
If the Bible has anything to say about life, it is that this existence of ours is a deep and complex and mysterious affair. The key is that we learn to live with these unanswerable questions, to coexist with them. We may never find the answers to these questions. We may move well beyond our infertility struggle and even be blessed with a child, but these questions could remain unanswered for the length of our days. In the years to come, other people will come to you looking for answers as they walk their paths of grief. As you learn to live without completely understanding your tragic experience, you will one day be able to help others find peace with the 'deepest questions' and 'darkest mysteries.'

The thousands of 'WHY?!" questions I've thrown His way will not be answered. And, in a weird way, I wouldn't have it any other way. Once I claimed His silence, I could become more dependent and trusting. I wasn't trusting any longer on an answer or solution, but on a promise. A promise to make me a mother. A promise to be faithful, even when I am faithless. A promise to be full of compassion and goodness. A promise to make me in the image of Christ through "all these things that are worked together for good." A promise that He is God and I...am...not.

I have had to return to these promises day after day to find the 'peace that passes understanding.' I have had to accept my limitations - going to baby showers is beyond torture. I have attended some and not others. I have had to apologize to dear friends for not being emotionally capable of attending their celebration. I have held friends' babies knowing that my heart would ache for the rest of that day. I have had to prepare for social events and again feel the wound rip back open again. It would take days to return to the place where I wasn't 'gushing' out of that wound. I have tried very hard to keep that wound closed, but cannot live in a bubble.

I have had to feel extremely out of place...my life stage is 'behind' many women my age and in my circle of friends. I have felt the sting of a friend saying "Someday you'll be a mom and then you can join us." It's worse than getting picked last for the kick-ball game on the playground. I have had to explain dozens of times to relatives and co-workers with good intentions behind their questions. I have had to swallow pain and anger at hearing patients discuss their abortions.

I have had to mourn the loss of a dream. Even if I do bear a child, it will not undo the 2+ years of losing this dream. The dream of my expectations, my ease, my comfort. And finally, the last stage of grief...acceptance. It has been two years in the making. I am able to type out this story with no tears. I have accepted not being master over my own body, or even my own story. I have accepted the possibility of adoption if not able to conceive. I have accepted that we are different than the average couple. I have accepted the wound in my heart. Scripture says that our suffering bring perseverance, character and hope. I can honestly say that I have hope at last. Not just hope to be a mother, hope of a growing family...I have hope that my pain will not last and that God will be glorified in my story. That's all I want now...His glory. I want to point to Christ and identify with him through my grief. There are still days that are terribly hard and my one prayer is "give me more of you Christ, I need more of you Jesus." (by the way...this is easy to say in typed words, way harder to live out!!!)

There are some blessings that come from grief. First and most important, I can now identify and relate. I can better understand human loss. I can see God working through my pain and living out the truth that "my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect through weakness." Secondly, seeing little reminders of God's goodness and provision. I remember the day that a check for $767 came in the mail from some Virginia-house-related-issue. The next week I had an HSG test performed (putting dye in your uterus and fallopian tubes to determine if there's any blockage). How much was the test? That's right...$750! God has provided the money for my ovarian laparoscopic surgery this February. He has given me some answers...discovering endometriosis during the surgery. At least we now know more of why there has been no success. He has provided friends who have had the same surgery and could prepare me and walk with me through that time. He has given me an excitement for the possibility of motherhood, whether the baby comes from my own body or someone else's. When this story began, I balked at the idea of adoption. Now I grow excited at that possibility. But the greatest blessing of all is knowing more of God's character. I see new and beautiful facets of His presence. I experience His faithfulness and goodness through all the absurd and crazy stages of this journey. I am humbled by His holiness and greatness...in the words of Job,

"I know that you can do anything, and no none can stop you. You ask, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me."

Who knows how this story will play out. I am excited and nervous to see the resolution. I am honored that God would entrust me with this experience so that I may someday minster to others who walk through the same grief. I am grateful for a very patient husband who is the master of providing 'presence' rather than trite words. I am grateful to be in a place where I can write this story and not have a breakdown! The cloud has lifted (except for a few days here and there) and I am no longer fearful. The song that has spoken to my spirit the most these past two and a half years is 'You Never Let Go' by Matt Redman. I will end this looooong post by writing down his lyrics:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You


"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Spring Events

A few of our Jan-May events in 2010. These pics are in random order...enjoy!

After a huge snowfall early in the year, we drove up to the Mogollon Rim to play in the snow.
On the way back, we stopped at the Tonto Natural Bridge. The snowfall made for some beautiful waterfalls dripping to the river below.

Panoramic angle

My little snow angel :)

So serene...the snow was so deep we often found ourselves waist deep if we took a wrong step. We brought along a picnic, built a snowman and went exploring.

Panoramic angle

Hiking South Mountain in Phoenix - May '10

The view of the valley from the top of the hike - this is mostly western Phoenix in the distance.

Running the 7k Pat's Run in Phoenix - April '10

30,000 people ran the race!! Packed in like sardines before the start.

So I had this brilliant idea to stand near the finish line and cheer on my champ husband. Little did I know...the finish line for the marathon and 1/2 marathon are in different places!! From where I parked, the marathon line was apparently closer. Did I feel like an idiot! (At least I got a pic with the sign:) )

Jason ran the PF Chang's Rock 'n Roll 1/2 Marathon in Jan.
What a champ!

My Christmas present (as requested) from Jason was tickets to the Fiesta Bowl.
TCU played Boise State and, unfortunately, lost.
Forever will I have horned frog spirit!

31st Birthday at Benihana
May '10

Fifth Anniversary - March '10
Every year we go to Houston's for dinner, where we had our first date.
This night I motioned to Jason in the lobby, "Doesn't that guy totally look like Steve Young?" (former football quarterback for San Francisco 49ers) Later we heard him talking and waiting a stone's throw from us, and it was definitely him!

Life Stories

Sigh...here I am again, behind as always. I was 2 weeks late entering the world and I believe it set me up to be perpetually behind. I've decided to change directions with my blog entries. I'll add some pictures here and there, but I thought it would be more meaningful to include where we are in our life. The latest trends in technology give us more surface connection, but it definitely impedes from emotional and relational connection. And I've been more convicted lately about needing to plug more into my relationships. We are, after all, one in the same body.

I partly cringe at the thought of having to write the most significant part of our story at the present moment, but I need to leap outside my comfort zone and share. I hope that it will make me more relatable, more connected, more engaged, more human.

The story that I want (scratch that...need) to share is one of barrenness. That word could describe a multitude of scenarios, but concerning me it describes my body. Again, I cringe. When the story began, the word 'infertile' was applied to people who were 1) older and 2) had significant health problems. At least, that was my personal definition. I had come into contact with several patients at my work who were infertile due to their lasting eating disorders. I knew an aunt/uncle who were unable to conceive children. But that was the scope of my experience with infertility.

When we were first married, like most couples do, we planned our life. It originally involved waiting 2 years before we started attempting to have children. Two years came and went and we moved to Virginia. It didn't seem like the optimal time and, honestly, I didn't want children at that moment. I loved my time with Jason, I loved the freedom to go and be and do whatever we pleased. It was a selfish desire, but an honest one at that. I asked Jason to put it off for a while longer. We decided 6 more months. And 6 months came and went. I asked again to push it back. Looking back, I was scared of the uncertainty and the extreme transformation that comes along with a child. So we decided to begin trying around our 3rd anniversary. More specifically, on vacation...more specifically, on my 29th birthday. (If you can't tell already, I'm very type A and love my plans!)

Our lavish 'baby-making' vacation was on a Mediterranean cruise. How romantic...how exceptional...what a wonderful story that would make for our children and family. Of course it was bound to happen on the first month's attempt. I had read the books, done my research, everything was lined up and prepared. (Pretty certain God is laughing right now!) But the first month had no success. No sweat, just got carried away with my overzealous planning. By month three I started getting nervous. Seems a little silly, but I knew the statistics by heart:

25% of couples conceive in the first month
50% by the third month
60% by the sixth month
75% by the ninth month
85% by the twelve month
95% by the eighteenth month

Fast forward to month 6...Jason's job announced that they were closing his base and he would have to move to a different position. Says the type A person to herself "Oh, well that makes perfect sense. God's waiting till we move so life can be orderly and settled and just right." We move back to Phoenix. A few more months with the in-laws and we finally move to our new home almost a complete year from when we went on our cruise. I now label myself as the "less than 15 percent who do not conceive in the first 12 months." My mind becomes confused, overwhelmed and I begin to do more research. Maybe I've missed something. My very subtle anxiety over the past few months begins to surface and fester into something more like panic and denial. "No way, not me. I'm in great health. There's nothing wrong with me."

Denial and anxiety dominated this phase of my infertility. I kept bargaining with myself, "just another month and then I'll consider making an appointment with the doctor." Ah, bargaining...another stage of grief.

I think I'll stop for the time being and pick up later this weekend. This is getting really long! If you are reading, thank you for listening to my story. I see this project as more for myself - I'm finally prepared to look at the story and I don't want to ever forget it. It is more selfishly for my purpose of remembering. I don't want to forget my grief, I want to wrestle with and grow from it. Our stories may not be desired or pretty, but they are ours to claim and use for God's glory.

Puerto Vallerta 2

Additional photos...

Ziplining through the rainforest

Rappelling down below

Relaxing by the ocean under the airy cabanas

Drifting away...

The city is known for their pelicans

The boardwalk is lined with several weird, abstract sculptures

Day on the beach - the water was a great shade of turquoise

Los Arcos (The Arches) - known for the arches cut out at the bottom of the rocks. This is where we snorkeled the following day.

The Happy Lobster restaurant

Split open crawfish...yum!!